alive and living well.

Before starting at Connected Ventures I had never been stuck in an elevator. Now I can say I have been stuck in an elevator at least three times in the past year.



“Our overloaded elevator skid down the shaft 17 floors, then freefell a relatively short height, crashing into the sub-basement. We were stuck inside for about 30 minutes before firefighters came. “

Zach Klein


WTF – I woke up to this email in my in box, from a stranger.

SUBJECT: Help us stop the Octillinaxions from killing your vagina

Amanda dearest,

The archbishop of Norway desperatly needs your help. After what was supposed
to be a diplomatic meeting with the overlords of a certain german province
that shall remain nameless, we have becom aware that these perticular
Germans are, in fact, aliens. And not your typically docile alien, easliy
put to use as labourers in an industry suited to their respective
ethnicities either. Big fucking mean ones, with rayguns and acid breath.
These aliens quickly disposed of the superpolice in charge og the
archbishops security and kidnapped his holyness. Now, it should be added
that the arch bishop himself is considered somthing of a prick back here in
Norway, but that does not mean we are prepared to leave him to be tortured
by a device that according to our intelligence makes the Probulator 3000
seem like the Anal Juggler 50K. By now you might be thinking what you could
do to help his holyness and maybe why you should even care. That can easliy
be answered with the following. As we speak the Octillinaxions, the
aforementioned aliens, are working on a weapon that wil cause any vagina
within the blast radius to explode. Obviously this should be of great
consern to you, shoudl the Octillinaxions ever set their eyes on occupation
of your native country. As such we desperatly ask for your help. “How?” you
ask. Well, it´s quite simple really. Just stay cute and never date any sort
of asshole guy just beacuse he has an enormously oversized penis. I have a
feeling you deserve better. Admittedly. I don´t know you, but cuteness,
funness and coolness levels seem to be way above the average and were you
within walking distance i´d serioulsy consider buying you a flower or some
sort of muffin. I´m partial to the banana ones my self. But as it were there
is an ocean between us, so i guess that´ll have to wait. Now, I have aliens
to deal with, so I shan´t be bothering you further. Should you get thirsty
by the end of the day I might suggest a milkshake.

So long, and take care
Your norwegian liaison to his holyness the archbishop



  1. Liz

    Frankly, I’d marry the guy based on this alone. He’s offered you muffins, and clearly has you in his best interest, telling you to drink milkshakes if you get thirsty. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

    Makes my heart soar.

  2. Exploding vaginas blasted by angry, acid-breathy german aliens? If I were you I’d get those millions that poor dead diamond trader from Nigeria left for you and I’d enlarge someone’s penis whislt getting him viagra and all sorts of cool drugs for the lowest prices on the web…

  3. I want that to happen to me. See ya.

  4. Mark

    That’s karma’s way of punishing people who push the button when it’s ALREADY LIT, GODAMMIT!

    (I’m talking about the lift, here. That Octillinaxions thing needs no explanation).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: